Still Moving Forward

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Hello all! We have had an interesting week. We’ve had good moments and bad but as the title says we are still moving forward. We are still waiting for an appointment to have my son evaluated for autism. I’ve come to realize this is going to be a long process.

We went on a trip with our church Saturday to a local waterfall and it was pretty rough. We have went to two in the last month. The first one went really well. My son was satisfied and had fun. Saturday not so much. The trail was more dangerous which of course made me worry about him falling because of the lack of railing. There is a place that they can get in the water but there are drop offs that can get pretty deep and he was so involved in what he wanted to do he wasn’t listening at all. He still says he had fun which amazes me because I spent the entire day fussing at him. Get over here…listen to me…ok get out of the water. I hate being that way but I haven’t learned yet how to truly get his attention and get him to listen. At one point he just sat in the water and repeated over and over I want to go in the water up to my shorts…which he already was. It can be so frustrating.

More frustrating than that is the comments that you receive from other adults. He’s just a spoiled brat. He needs discipline….blah blah blah…ok yes some of it is normal child behavior I get it. He is the youngest of four children. I’ve watched several children that aren’t my own. I’ve dealt with several special needs children. I also teach children’s church which means we deal with children that get away with nothing and children that get away with everything. My children fall somewhere in between. There’s a line they know not to cross except for the youngest. He knows to a point but in the moment in his words “he forgets”. Like I just told you not to pour the bucket of water on the puppy..but I forgot. Or my favorite special kids brains just go crazy sometimes. Where that one come from I have no idea but it started when he was three.

Yes I know this post is random and I apologize. Part of that is due to the fact my brain is just so tired right now. Between the moments I’m having that grief just hits me out of no where when the thought suddenly crosses my mind that my husband should be here right now and the struggle with my children I feel like I’m running in circles. I have learned though the only thing we can do is take one step at a time and we should only walk forward.

Philippians 3:14 says I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. The mark is in front of us so we must press forward. Press isn’t an easy word. Sometimes I really wish it said walk toward the mark because it’s so much easy to walk than press. Have you ever tried to press through a crowd? Anyway, I just wanted to check in I have some more preparation to do for tomorrow night. Have a blessed night and keep pressing forward!

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Small Success

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One thing my son has been struggling with is church. He loves church but he gets so overwhelmed that he can’t sit still and be quiet. So a lot of times services are spent fighting with him trying to keep him from being disruptive. We usually end up going outside because he’s crying.

This week I had an idea. I bought special mats (I let him pick them and he got 3 foam bathroom mats). When we go to church we lay the mats in the corner and he can lay or sit on them and draw or color as long as he’s on his mats and quiet. It worked really well!!! The first night we tried it I could see a huge change!

We celebrated this victory with his favorite bug juice and gummy bears! I’ve learned over the last few years that we too often want to wait and find the big victories to celebrate. Well that makes life boring. We don’t see big victories every day but we can find small victories around us every day to celebrate. Who doesn’t like a celebration and a treat?! Look for the small victories today and celebrate!

The Need to Vent

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So I mentioned going through the process of trying to get my son tested for Autism. Well it has been a headache to say the least. This process started a few years ago. We got a referral for testing the place we were referred to never called. We got another referral. They never called. So I once again contacted them and was told that the referral was no longer good because it had been over a year and they called and got no response. That is crazy! There is always someone here AND we have an answering machine.

Anyway we recently got yet another referral and I just called to see about the progress. Originally when I talked to them the other day I was told they didn’t have any appointments for 2 months. They tell me today though that they just recieved the referral and that because he is a new patient he is automatically wait listed for 6 months to a year. What?!! It’s crazy! I’m trying everything to get help for my child and all I’m doing is hitting brick walls.

He is a very bright and sweet child but he has his moments. When something doesn’t go the way he expects it can be anything from crying to more recently getting a bit violent. We were leaving church the other day and he began punching my car windows and screaming because he wasn’t ready to leave.

Before you even think it yes we have tried all forms of discipline and reward systems. I asked our PCP the other day what I could start doing now to help my child and change things. His response was stop all negative reinforcements because they aren’t going to work. His brain isn’t wired to respond like that. Reward systems are a must.

I apologize for the rant but it’s so frustrating knowing your child needs some form of help that you don’t know how to give and you can’t seem to find it. God will make a way I know it’s just frustrating at the moment.

Starting Over

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Many things have happened in our lives since I wrote last. Some good and some bad. I’ve been dealing with a lot of discouragment inside of myself that I have allowed to pull me back into a shell and the “I’m fine” mentality. That is changing though.

First of all my oldest son got angry with some of my rules and decided to move to his dads. This was very hard. His dad hasn’t been around him very much because of the lifestyle he chose to live. He was very verbally abusive and at times he was dangerous. Because of my rules though my 17 year old son made the decision to walk away from everything and move. That causes you to question everything.

We are in the process of fighting to get my 7 year old tested for Autism. His behavior has been a struggle for some time now. He is very smart but when it comes to things like not getting his way or dealing with certain things that becomes a major issue. Just an example…last night we had a meeting at church. He was playing with one of the other children but they were getting really disruptive. After several warnings I was going to make him sit down with me. He started crying and all he would say over and over was I want to play with him. After a few minutes I took him outside and walked around the parking lot trying to calm him down and distract him. He ended up in my car. He locked the doors and laid in the floor board crying. It’s things like this all of the time. No form of discipline or reward system has truly worked. We’ve taken some online testing and everything indicates that he needs to be evaluated. This is a very frustrating struggle that many don’t understand.

Speaking of church. God has grown our children’s ministry! That being said it is taking more time to prepare so we have less free time. I’m so thankful that we found our church. I’ve said before I don’t agree with religion and the more time goes on the more I feel that. You can walk in some places and feel unwelcomed and condemned but let me assure you that there are still true churches out there. There is still a body of people that love unconditionally, support unconditionally, and welcome everyone that desires to come. Thank God for that!

So where do we go from here with everything going on? We take one step at a time. Sometimes one second at a time. We fight through all of the discouragement and insecurity and do what we know is right regardless of how we or anyone else “feels” about it. It’s very difficult to learn to not respond with how we feel but it’s necessary. We can’t always act on how we feel. If we did some days we would feel like doing our job as parents and the next day we wouldn’t. We owe it to ourselves and our families to move beyond going on what we feel.

I know this may seem like a lot of rambling and I’m sorry. It is time for me to go for now. If any of you ever need anything whether that be just someone to talk to or someone to pray please feel free to contact me. Thank you for taking the time to read my vents. Until next time.

Shut Down

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Sorry I haven’t been writing much lately. I still struggle with shut down times. I’m not totally sure why but I find myself having these times where I shut down. I stay pretty busy but I also sort of push everyone away. I haven’t discovered an answer to this issue yet.

I don’t know what triggers these times. Whether from abuse or loss I’ve grown use to this pattern. I don’t like it at all but I’ve grown use to it. When it starts I begin to drift away from the few people I talk to and tend to isolate myself. I stop writing or doing anything that takes any type of emotional input. Again I apologize and give my word that I will be writing again soon.

 

Pirates!!!!

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Sorry I’ve not been very consistent in writing. We’ve still been preparing to begin our Children’s Church Pirate Series. We are sooooo excited! I warned you it gets a little crazy around here.

Sometimes I have such a hard time writing. I’m pretty sure it’s because of the criticism I’ve faced. I’ve always dreamed of writing because I love it so much but I pushed that dream away because I believed I was incapable of accomplishing it. Tonight that was one point our pastor made. Never let go of your dream. Just because someone else doesn’t see it or understand it doesn’t mean you need to forget it. God gave you that dream not someone else.

It can be so scary stepping out of what you’ve always done and what you’ve always known but in another saying of my pastor “if you always do what you’ve always done you will always get what you’ve always got.” So anyway, please be patient as I settle back in to this writing dream of mine through all of the chaos that is my life.

New Trials in Parenting

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So we are now on a new journey. My oldest son has decided he wants to contact his dad. At first panic set in as the flood of memories of abuse ensued. Those scars that seemed hidden suddenly became very visable once again. After taking some time that feeling changed a little.

Recently our pastor was delivering a message and made the point that like Moses sometimes God calls us to go back to Egypt but things are different this time. I truly believe that after all the years of instability this is where we are as a family. So much has changed in our lives that walking back into Egypt is totally different this time because we are different. We are stronger.

Even knowing all of this there is still such a level of fear. His dad hasn’t made good life decisions and now when my son is at these critical crossroads between childhood and manhood I have to question if this influence can be a positive one. I sort of feel like Abraham having to sacrafice Isaac. If I don’t allow my son to make this decision I could lose him totally.

It’s amazing to me that being a parent we can see the decisions our children make and the consequences of those decisions. Although we want to protect them at all times we must allow time for them to learn from what we consider to be their mistakes. How hard must it be for an all knowing God to watch as we (His children) make decisions every day that aren’t in our best intrest? I guess that’s love though. Allowing someone to be themselves and make their own decisions and loving them regardless of how we feel about that decision.

So we must now take this new step in our jouney and pray that it will be the right one. We are walking toward healing and freedom. I guess sometimes you have to go back before you can move forward.